‘Truth is the first victim of the virus of Boris Johnson,’ says Mark Steel

Whatever happens with this virus, at least we can be certain the world is led by calm, honest, intelligent people who can guide us all to safety.

This is why anyone in peril, drifting on an open boat in a stormy sea, or lost in a forest surrounded by bears, always thinks “I wish Donald Trump and Boris Johnson were here, then everything would be all right”.

For example, Trump corrected a World Health Organisation statement that claimed coronavirus could be fatal for 3.4 per cent of people who catch it, by saying: “I think 3.4 per cent is really a false number.

"This is my hunch, based on conversations, I’d say the number is way under one per cent.”

That sounds like a man who knows what he’s talking about.

For too long, when we’ve wanted to know about health, we’ve listened to people who work all their lives in health.

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But instead of those idiots, the most powerful man in the world has put them right, with a hunch.

He should have gone to Australia during the fires, to calm everyone down in the same way.

He would have said “The fire people, they say the temperature is really hot, but that’s fake.

Based on a dream I had, fire just gives you a refreshing glow and a healthy tan.

Trust me, I know a lot of flames, they’re great guys.”  

Trump’s real advice on the coronavirus was not much better.

He said there were “hundreds of thousands of people that get better by sitting around and even going to work”.

Why can’t all doctors be as clear as that?

So now we know, those people self-isolating are doing it for nothing.

If you start sneezing bits of coronavirus all over the table, sit around for a while and then go to work, and you’ll be cleared up by the evening.

Maybe you should blow your nose into a watering can, then when it’s full, sprinkle it all over your workmates.

Soon Trump will solve the crisis altogether, when he tells us: “I’ve offered it a deal, it’s a great deal, I’m a great negotiator.

"We’ve agreed on one per cent and the rest of us a few coughs, maybe the squits, a bit runny but only for a day.

"I’ve got some great guys working on clearing up the smell, it’s a great deal.” 

Every study of infectious illness tells us the most important way of stopping its spread is for the population to be well-informed.

So it’s lucky that in Britain we’re led by Boris Johnson, with his famous truthful attention to detail.

For example, ask him how many children he has and he’ll say: “I think the number of 11 is a really false number.

"This is my hunch, but based on a lot of conversations I’d say the number is way under nine.”

These are the people we need to lead us through any emergency.

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