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If you feel like you\u2019re carrying the mental load in your relationship, you\u2019re not alone.<\/p>\n
The \u2018mental load\u2019 refers to the unseen \u2018cognitive labour\u2019 involved in managing a household or relationship, defined by the American Sociological Review as \u2018anticipating needs, identifying options for filling them, making decisions, and monitoring progress\u2019.<\/p>\n
Think scheduling appointments, remembering birthdays, planning trips, buying gifts and doing the housework.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In heteronormative relationships, research has shown that it\u2019s often women who take on the lion\u2019s share of this work \u2014 and it can be soul destroying, with one study linking imbalances in labour division to a reduction in \u2018satisfaction with life\u2019 and \u2018partner satisfaction,\u2019 as well as \u2018feelings of emptiness, and experiencing role overload.\u2019<\/p>\n
One person constantly being forced to pick up the slack can have dire effects, not just on the relationship, but on their mental wellbeing.<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019m resentful\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018It has made me resentful,\u2019 one woman wrote on Reddit.<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019ve never been in a relationship where I wasn\u2019t the one coming up with all the ideas and bringing them to fruition.<\/p>\n \u2018I want someone to take a month to plan out what we are doing for my birthday.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018I felt like a parent\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018In prior relationships, it was all on me to do, which led to a lot of built-up resentment and feeling like a parent rather than a partner,\u2019 another woman said.<\/p>\n \u2018A partner who shirks their social responsibilities and shunts them off to their partner to do instead isn\u2019t worth the time, effort, or energy invested.<\/p>\n \u2018If I wanted kids, I\u2019d have them; I don\u2019t, and I don\u2019t need to waste my time with a childish partner dumping their adult responsibilities on me.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018It was definitely one of the underlying reasons why those relationships ended.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I cracked under years of pressure\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018I was the planner of everything in my relationship with my ex, down to getting his GP appointments and planning every aspect of a trip, including getting the money and booking the tickets,\u2019 said another.<\/p>\n \u2018It made me exhausted, anxious, resentful and angry.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018My ex was NOT interested in helping despite multiple pleas. I cracked under years of pressure and gave up.\u2019<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m sick of it\u2019<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m done, tired and stressed out,\u2019 one woman wrote.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018I\u2019m the person to plan and remember and I\u2019m sick of it.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u2018I now practise the \u2018match my energy approach\u2019.<\/p>\n People in two-person relationships often fall into one of two roles: the dreamer (who comes up with all the plans) or the accountant (the one who makes things happen).\u00a0<\/p>\n In a balanced relationship, senior therapist Sally Baker previously told us, the two roles are interchangeable, but problems arise when either partner is pigeonholed into a role, which can lead to resentment.<\/p>\n The accountant may feel drained and undervalued, while the dreamer may eventually feel infantilised. But it\u2019s important to note that people rarely take on these roles consciously.<\/p>\n Instead, it\u2019s likely rooted in childhood experiences. \u2018If you felt powerless and overwhelmed in childhood, or you\u2019ve been let down, then you might feel safer being the accountant in an adult relationship,\u2019 said Baker.\u00a0<\/p>\n Meanwhile, a dreamer may not be spurred into action because they\u2019ve never been encouraged to make their dreams into a reality, or they have an inner belief that good things simply don\u2019t happen to them.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important, then, to try to share the roles by getting each other involved.\u00a0<\/p>\n Hold your partner accountable for remembering things like appointments and birthdays without berating them when they aren\u2019t as active, or ask them to take the reins on a specific plan or obligation.\u00a0<\/p>\n On the flipside, make an effort to plan things together, and to come up with fun ideas together, too.<\/p>\nAre relationships ever really 50\/50?\u00a0<\/h2>\n