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I'm a shy person by nature – so the idea of being grinded on while being stared at by a room full of spectators was once unthinkable for me.
But writing for Daily Star and chatting with people who get their kit off for a living, I figured why not try going to a strip show and seeing what it was like.
So I seized my chance when the UK Pleasure Boys had a show at a local social club in Birmingham.
READ MORE: 'I became stripper after relationship ended – now I make women's fantasies come true'
The nude-fest took place at E57 Social Club in Moseley on September 8 which, from the outside, seemed like a bog-standard local boozer.
But what I was about to witness inside couldn't be further from the norm, as I soon realised after taking my unfortunate front row seats.
"You're going to get picked on now," my pal Neelam said with a grin as we took our places to wait for the lads to come out.
They soon came out donning crisp white Naval uniforms and started grinding to Pony by Ginuwine (a Magic Mike track — no shockers here).
The group, known under their stage names as AJ, Candy Cane, Black Magic and Big Ben, tore off their jackets revealing their flexing muscles before rushing into the audience.
They each picked a target from the audience to give a brief lapdance and I mistakenly thought I was safe.
AJ – who I had spoken to for an exclusive interview the week prior – stood over me and ran my shaking hands down his body while thrusting against my chest.
My face turned red as he pushed my hands over his privates and said: "Stick that in your article."
He cheekily stuck his tongue out at the camera before running off to pick someone else.
I was shaking from the thrill of it and had no time to recover before the next one came over and performed the same raunchy routine.
Once the group number was over, fans were delighted by individual performances from each man with women being dragged up on stage to be part of the act.
There was something for everyone, with the ripped lads dressing in everything from firemen to convicts.
Even an elderly lady in her 90s looked like she was loving life as the fellas got their kit off and gave her a lap dance.
But nothing could have prepared me for Big Ben's showstopper – and it soon became clear where he'd got his name from.
The man had what can only be described as a 'third leg'.
It was so monstrous that when he picked a woman for a lapdance, Neelam turned to me and said: "She looks a bit scared."
"So, would I if someone came at me with that thing," I replied. And that was just the first half.
We had seen an array of dongs and hot men giving lapdances but I now was witnessing women being taken up on stage and getting whipped by belt straps and rope.
One performer, Demolition, boldly decided to switch things up by having his bum whipped by the audience member.
Another stripper, Candy Cane, couldn't get enough of oily lotion.
He ran around the room completely starkers with lotion dripping all over his bits.
The cheeky lad even came over to whack me on the leg with it, leaving me covered in an obscene-looking liquid.
He even came back around and flicked it at me again — only this time I was left screaming: "It's in my mouth!"
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While I found it hysterical, not everyone in the audience did.
At the end of the show, a woman came over asking AJ if he had splashed some on her specs as it was "ridiculous" before storming off.
I, for one, will definitely be in that splash zone again sometime soon.
- Exclusives
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